More what?

I’m not really sure.

I want more than I have right now. I want more than I’m headed for.
So much more than that.

So is that why I keep checking out schools?
Even though I refuse to go into debt to afford it?

Is that why I get so lonely?

I want someone to call at the end of the day, to fight with, to be with, to learn to communicate with. To walk this path with. To encourage, tease, to know immpeccibly, to trust, to smile at, to wake up with.

I just want….someone.

Something.

More.

I want to wake up and have a purpose for my day. To get something accomplished. Truly accomplished, that really matters. That really makes an impact. I want to help people. Encourage them. Have them trust me enough to lean on me.

I’m strong.

This is what I was created for. To help.

I want to love better, stronger, be stronger, wiser, happier. I want to have joy, no matter what, in any situation. I want to caputure all that so I can cradle it close then give it away.

I want to be patient, to laugh instead of growl and mean it. I want to be positive. I want to truly care. I want to posses tact.

I want to be past all the not knowing and uncertainty and “ARRIVE” already.

(Do any of us ever actually arrive?)

I want to stay exactly where I am so i can see where this exact road takes me.

I want to do, to move, to fly, to start over, to bring everyone I care for and love with me to start over too.

I want to lift them up and dust them off and encourage them. See the strength and confidence return to their bodies as they grab hold of the truth and run with it.

I want to smile at the joy bursting in their faces and silently thank God for doing it again, and using me to do it.

Really. I just want to be used. I want to be made into exactly what He wants me to be. I want to be exactly where He wants me to be. I am no longer content. I am no longer okay with my lot, with the cards delt me. I want to be down the road, where I feel I should be, instead of catching up. I want to be learning, soaking in everything I can, growing by leaps and bounds, knowing that it’s all because of Him.

I want more.

So, so much more.

theree has been a lot going on lately. between work, family, friends, my car, and other things a lot has been on my mind. there have literally been days where the only thing that could keep me on level ground was singing “how he loves” over and over and over and over again. and that’s not even the song i was trying to sing…it just kept coming out. Couldn’t remember any scripture, except the one i just wrote up at the top here, and when I tried to say it out loud it just…i don’t know. didn’t help. Didn’t seem to help, i should say, because who knows how much help it really did?

anyway, that’s not my point. there have been so many people in my life lately, including me, worrying about everything…INCLUDING things they dont really need to even think about, much less worry over. the last part of this verse struck me, “as God for what you need, and thank him for what you have.” it’s like…leave everything there…all the what if’s and why is this, and who’s and how’s and where’s and when’s..and remember what’s there, right in front of you. rememer what he’s already given you.

1. For delete keys on keyboards…cuz mine is broken and it’s making life…interesting.
2. For warm blankets in cold rooms
3. For people you feel completely comfortable around. Or i feel completely comfortable around…cause this is my list. ha
4. For my sister. She’s a rockstar.
5. For my job…even though sometimes i get really irritated and frustrated…i love the people i work with. they make it fun.
6. music.
7. my ability to create….i have no idea how i would have survived this long if God hadn’t given me that gift.
8. My crazy, funny, odd, unpredictable friends and family.
9. For patience…cause i keep on making mistakes and this delete key (or lack thereof)  is kicking  my butt.
10. That no matter how many times i try and do life on my own, God takes me back as soon as i’m willing to admit i was horribly, horribly wrong.
11. bright colors
12. truth.
13. the opportunity to meet new people
14. the opportunity i have every day to impact people
15. for oakwood…I’ve learned so much from everybody there.
16. for master’s also…the friendships that were made…also…i wouldn’t have been able to learn as much from life in this past year if i hadn’t gone there and been transformed first.
17. redemption
18. grace.
19. palm trees. :sigh: i miss those sometimes. ha.
20. Hot showers. seriously….my house is freezing.
21. snow
22. that it hasn’t been very cold yet this year.
23. for my beat-up, broke-down blazer named Benny. he still gets me where i need to go. Nobody really knows how this is possible….but it IS. HA!
24. For Felecia. my “soul mate”
25. For my someday-husband.
26. For my mommy and daddy….cause they’re awesome.
27. For BOOOOOKKKSSS!!!!!! We all know that Nicole needs her books. lol
28. for big, squishy, soft pillows
29. for my kids. they’re awesome.
30. for PAAIINNNTTSS!
31. That someday…when i’m married…i’ll be able to have sex. with my someday-husband.
32. for contacts!
33. for grass. cause it’s pretty…and green….and fun to pull apart.
34. forrrrr kevin and annie
35. Gary and Jill too.
36. For tank tops…cause otherwise i wouldn’t be able to wear a lot of the clothes that i wear.
37. For shoes.
38. for long walks of short piers. hahaha jk i am thankful for walks though. ‘specially through pretty areas…with rachel…
39. for reconnecting with old friends.
40. for lessons learned.
41. that i finally realized that not everybody wants something from me.
42. for clothes. no offense…but i don’t want to see all y’all naked. I’m sure the feeling is mutual.
43. for jimmy johns. (their bread, specifically)
44. for the toothless grins babies give you
45. for indoor plumbing….i really really need to pee right now
46. that i am able to impact people’s lives in a significant way.
47. that I have a friend who knows every single hair on my head.
48. that Jackie has stuck by me through all these years….she can read my thoughts with just a glance at me.
49. that i live in a time where communication and transportation is almost as easy as snapping your fingers.
50. that my siblings love me. sounds silly, i know…but I didn’t always think it was true.
51. for movies.
52. for purity. and that purity doesn’t only mean what we so often make of it. (……that makes sense to me)
53. for my health
54. for every single time that God has stooped to pick me up
55. that through my story, God can take other people further along in their journey
56. for grayson. he’s turned out to be a pretty good friend.
57. for all my guy friends who have decided to watch out for me. it means a lot. thank you.
58. for jennyfrom theblock….yer hugs are amazin
59. for jennylee….you are beeautiful. I can’t get over it. and i love hanging out with you.
60. i might as well just put for my sub 30 group of people…there aren’t enough lines for all of you.
61. fer medicine. it’s amazing what we have available to us.
62. that i can get rid of this stupid feeling my leg gets when it’s fallen asleep.
63. For the songs that transport you to a special place that only you and God inhibit
64. for books
65. that my aunt lets me borrow her camera sometimes.
66. for hugs
67. that this is not the end.
68. for chapstick. or “lip balm” whatever it’s all the same to me.
69. that i have three absolutely crazy older brothers
70. for that feeling I get when i’m snuggling with one of my nieces or nephews
71. that i can play with little kids so often. and that they like me enough to invite me to their birthday parties.
72. for socks! a lot of these seem to be about being warm…but i’m pretty cold right now.
73. for the blinds on my windows…cuz i dont want creepers looking in my window.
74. for the times at jackie’s house when one of the animals decides to curl up with me. it’s nice.
75. that i have the capacity to learn
76. that i am able to support a little girl
77. for the friends who have decided they want to stay in contact….and have made steps to do so. lurve you spidey.
78. for my uncles. hehe
79. for my aunts and cousins too. haha
80. for the christmas eve gift opening tradition
81. that i got a computer!  yeeaahhh
82. for the time every week i spend driving. its amazing…the thinks i’ve thought on my drives.
83. that my dad lets me borrow his car…allll the time. and that it has a spot for me to plug in my ipod so i don’t have to listen to the radio
84. that i grew up where i did.
85. for things that propel you forward
86. for my hair. it’s crazy.
87. for pictures.
88. for my navy sweats! mmmm i love them. a lot.
89. for sunsets. they say a picture is worth a thousand words? sunsets are worth millions.
90. for my memories
91. for animals
92. for the love and grace that greets me every morning
93. that i have done nothing and could never do anything to earn those things.
94. for clean water. that i have such easy access to it.
95. for scarves. they have SO MANY uses, you have no idea.
96. for my bed! that i dont have to sleep on the floor! cuz that would hurt!
97. for all that i learned (and am still learning) from a leaky tire.
98. for music trade-offs
99. for perky 16 (or is it 17) year olds who call you no matter how many times you forget to call them back.
100. that i am able to read people and what they’re thinking

The words i read absolutely inspired me. I wanted to “break up” with my flesh. I wanted to go all-out. I was so sick of…well…EVERYTHING. I wanted it to be all over and done with myself so i could be completely, 100% Gods, all His will, none of mine. I even started writing a blog to tell all of you about it when I realized how scary of a thing that is. To rip away all of my human tendencies, to try and be His and His alone, give everything up, all at once, and succeed.

I felt like i had been running full speed, about to jump off a cliff into the most beautiful, sparkling blue water i’ve ever seen in my life, only to change my mind at the very last second and stand and the edge of my cliff….balancing precariously on my tippy-toes, trying to regain balance.

I decided one or two things at a time would work okay, too.

And that’s okay, I think. As long as you’re still open to Him and listening to what He wants you to do. I think all He really wanted from me to begin with was to be open to Him, because for so long I closed myself off…staying in one spot because somehow I knew whatever came next would be hard. And it would hurt. A lot. It would be very hard, and very, very painful.

It is. It does. SO much. Sometimes it’s a battle just to get through a few hours. To put myself aside and ask Him, “what do you want me to do right now?” It’s even harder sometimes to listen for the answer; especially when the answer takes awhile to come.

There are times when I feel as if I’m flying, as if God and I are in-step with each other; like we’ve got our arms around each other’s waists and are swinging our feet back and forth as we walk together. THere are times when Im so in awe of God’s love and light and beauty that I’m speechless. There are times when I know exactly what He expects, exactly what He wants, and exactly what He wants me to do.
There are also times where I feel like I’m running full speed into a wall, only to smack into it and try again. There are also times where I feel like I’m drowning, a single hand struggling to stay up out of the water, waiting for rescue. There are also times when I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a busy intersection, people and cars and busses whizzing by in complete….life...and I’m just watching it happen. There are times when I know I should be doing something…but  lack the courage or energy to do so. There are times when I know i need to unclench my fist and let go, but instead I clench my fist closed even tighter.

God has been there through it all. Through all of these sensations. I know that he’s going to continue to be there, to encourage and guide me. I know he’s going to use all sorts of things and people to do it too. Either spectacular sunsets, or great friends to give me some scripture and advice, or a wonderful sister to talk to. He’s provided it. He’s going to keep on providing it.

So here it is. I’m not giving up. I may be tired and worn down right now, but MY GOD IS A GOD OF STRENGTH and of POWER. He is stronger than anything the devil can whip at me, and braver than I could ever be. EVERYTHING I NEED IS IN HIM. Everything I long for and hope for are IN HIM. All my distractions, all my worries, all my anxieties, all my attitudes, all of it…is NOTHING…i’ll repeat it…NOTHING compared to HIS glory, His grace, His majesty, His power, HIS love, His greatness, HIS energy, His depth, and HIS VICTORY. Because in Him

I
Have
Victory.

Hear that satan?!!?! I HAVE COMPLETE AND TOTAL VICTORY IN THE LORD JESUS CHRIST. SO ANYTHING YOU TRY IS GONNA FALL SHORT ‘CAUSE IN HIS NAME–IN JESUS’ NAME I AM VICTORIOUS. Anything you do, anything you say, anything you try, falls short of hitting me because I rest behind the sheild of the Most High. I may lose one or two battles, but I assure you, I Will Win This War.

Take that.

a life can be saved.
A life can be lost.
A heart can be changed.

Five minutes is huge.
Five minutes can be like 1000 years to some.
It can be like one second to others.

You can waste five minutes
you can use five minutes

what if this is your last five minutes?

would you be happy with them or regret them?
would you be ashamed or proud of them?

Five minutes.

Doesn’t seem like much does it? but five minutes is key. who of you knows the days of your life?

We don’t know. we can’t know.

but if we did know

would we do anything differently?
would we change who we are in that five minutes?

would we pretend that they weren’t our last?

or would we take full advantage of them
and squeeze everything we could into every second?

what would we do with our last five minutes?

lament over all we’ve lost?
gripe over what was supposed to be ours?
be angry over an offense that was made?

or would we rejoice over what we’ve earned?
be glad for all we had
and love those around us?

would you be proud of them?
want them spoken of and known about?

or would you want them hidden from view and forgotten?

would you use them to your advantage?
or keep them selfishly to yourself?

are you doing everything you can in these five minutes?

Refrain

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed
Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness,
Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Refrain

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Refrain

I know, I know, this is one of the oldest, most boring, awful hymns to sing in church…especially when it’s all old-school piano only singing. Ugh. It’s so easy to write this song off as “too old” or “out of date” or to say that it “doesn’t really apply to mere here in 2009″. That’s exactly what I thought for the longest time. Every time I heard this song or one like it I still have flashbacks to doing church services at the nursing home with my grandparents.

But take a look at they lyrics. How can they be out of date with us today? Has God stopped being there for us every single hour of every single day just because we’re in the oh-so-great year of 2009? No. He hasn’t. I know, I know…it may seem like it. Believe me, I’ve been there. But take one more look at these words. Maybe sing it to yourself. Try to re-engrave that on your heart. God is there, He’ll always be there, providing all we need.

Yeah. Sucks doesn’t it?

‘Cause somehow, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if you were to let go you’d drop. There would be no catching action happening here, no gentle float to the bottom, no discovering that after all those years of trying, you really can fly. No. None of that.

Just a straight, painful, full-out death drop.

So instead of letting go, you hang on. You hope and pray that somehow God will either catch you when your fingers finally give out or he’ll help you do some sort of crouching-tiger hidden-dragon flip so you’re standing on top of this cliff you’ve been clinging to for so long, victorious.

And when none of that happens, you start wondering. “Why am I still hanging here? Why hasn’t God done anything yet? Why won’t God catch me? Or make my fly? (Cause really God…..that would be awesome.)”

But haven’t you ever wondered…

How is it that you’ve been able to hang on for this long?

I mean…I don’t know about you, but my fingers aren’t all that strong. I for sure would not be able to hang from a cliff using just my fingers for very long. At all.

In Isaiah God tells us not to worry, not to be afraid or dismayed. Because He’s going to strengthen us. He’s going to send super-crazy strength into our fingertips so we can keep on hangin’ on. Because sometimes we’re not supposed to fly or do crazy flip-leap thingys. Sometimes we’re just supposed to hang on.

Embrace those days. Or even if it’s not a full day, even if it’s just an hour, each one is a gift. Feel free to throw your arms wide open and celebrate what has been given to you. Smile, laugh, and try to get others to do the same.

You may be suprised with the results.

It reminded me of what we often do in our lives. We get a taste of some brilliant light, it’s so amazing that everything else just lights up. But then, for whatever reason, we decide to go inside. When we realize that it’s too dark, we try to turn the light bulbs of relationships or money or whatever in our lives in order to bring that brightness back.

But nothing ever really compares to what we were just in, what we just had. Sometimes we spend so long trying to recreate the brightness, the true light, that we completly forget that there is one other option open to us. One thing that we can do to make sure the brightness comes back.

We can walk back outside.

Usually when we read this verse our minds automatically go to the financially rich-the people with lots of money. What we usually don’t think about is the people who are rich in other ways: rich with a great family, rich with a good education, a good job, great friends, etc. I think that so often, we forget to consider these things in our lives a “richness”. They’re just there. Often, it’s when we don’t  have money that we remember these things also make us rich. but these things can also keep us from God.

Think of the college professor, who has has years and years of education, with degrees lining the walls of his office. He thinks that God doesn’t exist, because on and intellectual or scientific level, there is no way that such a Being could exsist.

Or what about the family man who has the perfect life? Maybe not a TON of money, but enough to get by. A great wife, beautiful children, and fantastic friends. He may consider himself extremely rich. So why would he need some God to make his life complete? According to him, his life IS complete.

Now consider the testimonies you’ve heard that have moved you the most. Are they the stories of the man who thought he had it all and one day just decided that he needed God? Are they the stories of the professor who was finally proven wrong? Or are they the stories of people who had hit rock bottom, who’s entire life had turn meaningless, or stories of people who had everything stripped away from them? The people who looked around and saw themselves as having nothing; as being poor.

It’s so easy to think that with everything we have, we don’t need God quite as much. It’s so easy for us to think that when we’re upset we can call this or that person, instead of telling God what’s going on in our heads. Because we’re so rich in friendships. It’s so easy to make our decisions based on what we know, on what we’ve learned by going to school or even just by living, than by making them based on what God would have us do.

In this day in age, when communication and knowledge and a million other things are so readily available to us, it’s so easy to replace those things for God. Maybe we need to start taking a look out for that, because without even realizing it, we could just edge God completely out of the picture with all of our riches and end up making ourselves the rich man Jesus was talking about.